Sydney's Journal

All together

2006-06-30T11:29:00.000-07:00

We are finally all home. It has been wonderful. We love holding her and taking care of her. She is a wonderful sleeper. We have had to set an alarm to ensure she gets fed every 4 hours. She slept for 5 hours the other night. The other night, she just did not want to sleep, and her daddy stayed up holding her. She was not crying, she just wanted to be held and loved.

We have been taking lots of videos and pictures of her. I'll post some soon.

It is a wonderful blessing to be under the same roof. I just love having us all together as a family. It is so nice to have her home and not have to get dressed to go see her.

We took her to the pediatrician today. She weighed 4 pounds 11 ounces. She was so good at the doctor's office. He said that she looks wonderful. We go back next week for a re-check.

Well, we are all together now, but soon will be apart. Vince goes to 33 days of training on July 4. We will miss him so much. We are just trying to enjoy today, because worrying about what will happen won't stop it from happening.

Hallelujah!!!!

2006-06-27T14:45:00.000-07:00

Guess who comes home tomorrow? Yup Sydney. Saw the doc today, and he said let her go home tomorrow. YEAH!!!!I am having her come home on a monitor for my own piece of mind, but otherwise she is coming home tube free! No oxygen, no nothing. I am so excited, and so busy now, because I have to get everything ready. Short post, but it speaks volumes on how happy we are.

Getting there

2006-06-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

Short update....

Sydney gained weight yesterday. She has been on total bottle feeding since Saturday, and gained weight! She now weighs 4 pounds, 9.6 ounces, a new high weight! She is struggling with breast feeding but we are working on this. Hopefully she will be coming home any day now. We can hardly wait.

Closer

2006-06-25T15:50:00.000-07:00

Guess what Sydney did today... She breast fed. The doc on today wants me to breast feed her whenever I am there. She latched on after crying, and nursed. I don't know how much she actually ate, because after she nursed for about 20 minutes we offered her a bottle, and she ate 27 ccs. She did very well with not desating while she was nursing or eating her bottle. She is getting closer every day to coming home. She had some desats while we were not there that needed oxygen to resolve them, and the doctor wants to not see these. Sheis still off the oxygen and the feeding tube. She lost half an ounce, and weighs 4 pounds 8.5 ounces.

I learned yesterday that Sydney has been in the NICU the second longest. The baby who has been there the longest was born a week before her, and was 3 months early. We were once warned we may have her that early, and were very blessed to have her hang on until 34 weeks. So I was right that everyone else has gone home but us. I keep trying to be patient, but my patience is getting thinner. I feel we are very close to having her home, and can hardly wait.

Yeah, no pictures of her nursing. I do have some new pictures of Sydney to post.

Sydney and aunt Brit.

Sydney in her cute red, white and blue dress.

Look, my first brain squisher.

Sydney asleep.

My hand and Mommy's.

What is missing from this picture?

2006-06-24T19:01:00.000-07:00

Can you guess what is missing from this picture?

Look Mom... NO TUBES. I Finally got to see her little face sans tubes. I don't think I had ever seen her without some tube on her little face. They changed her feeding schedule to one where she has to eat 30 ccs, but can eat more if she wants, every three hours. She was doing wonderful with that, as well as with her oxygen levels until 3pm this afternoon. The nurse gave her the nasty baby vitamin, and she shut down. This is the first time she had to take it by mouth, and she hated it. They smell NASTY so I don't blame her. Thankfully, she had eaten enough extra over the 30ccs earlier in the day to add up to 30, so she did not have to have the tube put back in.

So we are closer to having her come home. I am telling EVERYONE there that we are ready to come home. While I am patient with this process now, I feel it is important to start pushing the staff members to have discharge on their minds.

Her weight is 4 pounds 9 ounces today. She was so awake and interacting while I was there. I really wanted her to sleep, and I laid her in the bed, but she refused to sleep. She just wanted to play.

So in a nutshell, Sydney is making progress, but mom and dad are losing their patience. I thought she would be home weeks ago, and we are still there. Part of me wonders why they decided to not give her caffiene and oxygen. I also want to know why she had to wait so long to get the blood transfusion. She was anemic from day one. Maybe if her red blood cells were higher, she would have been able to make progress faster.

Due Date

2006-06-22T16:40:00.000-07:00

Today is the day, that had all gone well, Sydney should have been born. I write today to mark the many ups and downs that have happened over the last nine months.

Ups:

Seeing the positive pregnancy test.
Telling Vince I was pregnant.
The relief we felt after hearing her heartbeat when we were fearing we had lost her.
Hearing her heartbeat over and over.
Feeling her move for the first time.
Whenever I felt her move.
When Vince felt her move for the first time.
My sisters' reactions when they felt her move.
The strength we have gained through faith in the Lord.
Being blessed with excellent medical care.
Hearing her small cry after she was delivered, and seeing her small little body.
Holding her for the first time.
Whenever I hold and kiss her.
Seeing Vince interact and love her.
Watching my family hold and love her.
Giving her a bath.
Seeing her wonderful smile.
When she finally ate her whole bottle.
Watching her scream as I do a normal mother thing that makes a baby cry: changing her diaper.
When I guess what she is crying about right.
The support we have received from family and friends.

Downs:

Spotting and ending up in the ER after finally getting pregnant and fearing I was losing her.
Hearing there was a problem with the triple screen test.
Having to sit there as the ultrasound tech went to get the doctor because she was concerned about what she was seeing on the screen.
Worrying if she had Spina Bifida.
Worrying every time they put the ultrasound wand on me that she would still be there alive. Once she started moving, I could relax about that one.
Being told she was coming early, that my placenta was failing.
When she parked her head in my hip, and gave me sciatica, which still exists.
Talking to a neonatologist (who did a wonderful job) about hospice care, and what we should expect with a very early baby. Thankfully she stayed put longer than expected.
Worrying about what the next ultrasound would show.
Dealing with work and having to go on bed rest.
Being on bed rest. How boring and inane day time TV is.
All the non-stress tests. All the waiting at the doctor's offices.
Having to have an early c-section.
Being told the non-stress test was not positive at 30 weeks and that I might be having her that day.
The way I swelled up after the steroid shots. (The steroid shots did wonderful things to her lungs, but no-so wonderful things to me.)
Being told I can't hold her.
Getting a cold sore and being told I can't see her.
The frustration at how slow she is learning to eat.
Leaving her in the hospital to go home.(Every time)
Having her whisked from the c-section room and worrying how she was doing.
Tape Burn from my c-section bandage. (Hurt worse than the incision)
Healing from surgery while having to go to the hospital to see my baby.
Being back at work 2 weeks after having her because I used all my leave and most of my FMLA time while on bed rest.
Dealing with the social worker.
The frustration at the lack of control over our lives.
That she is still in the hospital. I swear everyone else in the NICU has already gone home.
The stress that this is causing on myself, Vince, our families and friends.
The guilt I am feeling because my body failed my little girl. I know I did nothing wrong, but I still feel that I let her down.
The feeling that I just want to pick her up and leave, knowing that I can't do that.

Vince and I have been very blessed to have her in our lives. Today I am feeling rather down as it is her due date, and she is still not home. I was sure we would be home before now. I am now worried that she won't come home until after Vince leaves, and I won't get to have my little family under one roof for another month. I don't want to take her home from the hospital without him by my side.

I am very ready to move onto the next challenge in our lives: Having her home with us. The nurses do wonderful things, but I want her with us. I hate leaving her there. I hate laying her down when she wants to be held.

Today is the day that I should have had a healthy, fat baby. I was blessed with a small, scrawny baby instead. Her being born early meant we got to meet her early, and learn about her. We love her so much. Today I just can't help but grieve for what might have been. Looking like I was going to pop. Feeling a contraction and pushing her out. Holding her right after she was born. Taking her home with us. Having her home. Breast feeding her. Being alone with her. Having family and friends surround her. Taking her to the doctor's and having everyone fawn over her. (I go to my last check up tomorrow.) I know that we are very blessed, but today, I am mourning what will never be, and it is a large and painful loss to grieve.

Happy Father's Day to Vince

2006-06-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

It's Vince's first Father's day. Yipee!!!

He is wonderful with Sydney. He worries over her every noise and gurgle. It is so cute to watch them together. He reads her stories and is very protective of her. Sydney weighed 4 pounds 6 ounces, up almost 3 ounces.

Sydney ate 22 ccs at her morning feeding, and 24 ccs at her night feeding. FYI, your average 12 ounce can of soda contains 355 ccs, so you can tell how little she is eating at a time. The number of ccs she is given at a time was increased to 38ccs. She is eating nearly 2/3s of her bottle. She did really well today, and ate the first 15 ccs rather quickly and with few problems. The last bit took some work to get her to eat, as she was desating during this part.

I've also added a picture of her next to the bear that her "chatca" Paula gave her, so you can see her size. She has started to out grow some of her smallest things. She has out grown the first hat she was wearing, the little pink one with flowers. To see the earlier picture of her with the bear click here.

She ATE!!!

2006-06-16T15:50:00.000-07:00

Sydney FINALLY ate her whole bottle. This is a MAJOR milestone for her. She did very well with it. She barely had any desats and had not heart rate problems. She had been shutting down during her feedings, and going to sleep. Today, she stayed awake and alert though the whole feeding, and after as well.

We were so excited, our nurse took a picture of my daughter, me, and her almost empty bottle. She finished it after the picture. This is the FIRST time she has not needed the pump to finish her feed. She ate 34 ccs today, a big jump from her usual average of 11 ccs.

WAY to go SYDNEY. We love her so much.

O-

2006-06-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

Sydney's anemia of Prematurity came to a head today. Sydney had to have a blood transfusion.

We had known this was coming. Last week, the doctor told us he expected her anemia to get worse, and that she was likely to need one. They checked her red blood cell level yesterday, and it was high. The test was an error. Today's test was 21, a drop from 34 last week.

I stayed with her as they put the IV in. The nurse did a good job, and got the IV in one poke. Sydney cried. It was hard for me to be there, but I was glad I could have my hand holding her on the table, talking softly to her while the IV was put in. She cried a lot. After the IV was in, I held her until she could calm down. I've heard and seen procedures in the NICU before, I knew what was going to happen. I stayed because when the nurses are doing a procedure, the procedure is their focus. I stayed so I could be there to talk softly to her and have someone there to comfort her. I'm not saying the nurses are wrong to focus on the procedure, they need to. I was just glad I could be there so there was someone to comfort her.

The hospital does not allow family donors. They feel there is a risk a family member may be intimidated into donating and be less than honest in their health history. The doctor said that they would maybe consider me, but since I just had surgery and blood loss, I could not donate. The hospital said they have specially screened donors for the NICU. Sydney received O- blood from an anonymous donor. I am grateful for that donor and the gift they gave my little girl. She got the red blood cells she needed from that person. If you can, call up the Red Cross and give blood.

I stayed with her today while the transfusion went in. She was pretty uncomfortable and fussy. I could not pick her up and hold her because the tube giving the blood was rather short, but I sat by her and touched her and talked to her. My mom came up in the afternoon and sat with me. Her IV leaked at one point, and she got blood on her shirt and face. It scared me to see blood on her face, but we cleaned it up, and they fixed the IV. I am glad that they did not need to redo the IV.

Sydney showed no ill effects from the transfusion. When we saw her that night, her face seemed red to us. The nurse said it was because we were used to seeing a bluish baby, and now with more red blood cells, we have a pink baby.

I took a picture of her getting the transfusion. Here it is...

Some Pictures

2006-06-04T16:17:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures.....

Sydney's big girl bed

Her pretty face with the Oxygen on.

Sydney in her big girl bed.

1 Step forward, 2 steps back.

2006-06-03T15:56:00.000-07:00

Sydney is doing well. She is really struggling with eating, and had her feeds dropped to one by mouth a day. Bottle eating is really hard for her, and the doctor does not want to tire her out. They keep saying that she will one day wake up and eat, but no one knows when that will be.

While the doctor was rounding in the NICU, Sydney continued to desat her oxygen level. It kept dropping, bouncing up, then dropping again. This went on for over an hour. He was in and out of the room the entire time, so he was observing this. He felt she needed help breathing, and ordered oxygen for her. She now is on oxygen. It is hard seeing more tubes on her little face. I had been hoping to see her face tube free, which has not happened since the day she was born, but this is not happening now.

The social worker came and talked to me. You all know how much I love her. (If you missed the sarcasm in that statement.... here it is, I really do not like her at all). We are no longer allowed to video tape Sydney. They blame this on HIPPA. It just ticks me off. We started our conversation in the NICU, and finished it in the hall, because I was getting upset and did not want to do that around Sydney.

The good news for today is that Sydney is no longer in an isolette. She is in a "big girl bed". This is an open crib, just like the ones that healthy newborns are put into to move them from their mom's room the the nursery. The nurse, who was very kind, let me move Sydney's things and set up her new bed. I moved her smiley faces (window clings) that my mom bought for her. I got her bed all set up. The nurse will move her when Sydney wakes up. We did not want to disturb her. I am so excited because this means she is able to maintain her temperature. It also means that she is not as susceptible to over-stimulation, so we may be able to hold her more. Maintaining her temperature is one of the things she needs to do to come home. If she has to, she can come home on oxygen. Basically she needs to eat and gain weight now.

Just some pictures

2006-06-01T22:56:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures of our little one... She is so cute.

Look how big my hat is.

With the bear that my "Catcha" Paula gave me, so you can tell my size.

One of my favorite pictures. I took this one after her bath.

Look at how wide eyed she is.

Why was Sydney born early?

2006-05-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

We knew from very early on in my pregnancy that things were not normal. At 5 weeks 6 days, I spotted, and ended up in the ER. An ultrasound showed that there was a interuterine pregnancy with a heartbeat. The one good thing about this spotting is that we had accurate dates for the pregnancy, which will come into play later.

At about 15 weeks, I had a test called the "triple screen". One of the markers, the Alpha-Fetal Protein marker was so high, it was off the chart. This can indicate a neural tube defect. I had an in-depth ultrasound at 20 weeks, and it showed no signs of a neural tube defect. However, it did show that the baby's growth was a bit delayed. From then I, I saw the perinatologist every other week, and my ob on the other weeks.

As the pregnancy progressed, the growth continued to be slow, but steady. There was a drop at 26 weeks, and I was put on partial bed rest. I was put on modified bed rest 2 weeks after that. At about 28 weeks, there was concern, and I was told I may be having her soon. I was given the steroid shots which helped her lungs. They made me swell up like a balloon, and I could not wear my rings past this point.

At 28 weeks, I had a weekly appointment with either my OB or with the perinatologist. I also had non stress tests twice a week. By my count, I had 14 of these tests. I also think I saw a doctor of some sort about 15 times. Her growth dropped again at 32 weeks, and further at 34 weeks. By the time I saw the perinatologist at 34 weeks, I was scheduled to have her via c-section 2 days later.

I was diagnosed with having Intrauterine Growth Restriction. What this meant is that for some reason the baby is not growing. It was determined, and confirmed by the pathology exam after she was born, that the placenta did not grow correctly, and was not working as it should. She was born early, as the drop in growth indicated that the placenta was failing. From what we were told, the placenta had days, and had the placenta failed, Sydney would have died. I was also at a high risk for a placenta abruption, which could have killed both of us. Because of her being small, I had a c-section, no labor. She was already stressed, and did not need the stress of labor on her or the placenta. For more on IUGR, click here.

So that is why she was born early. My OB says there is no way to tell if this will happen again, but I am increased risk of having this happen.

I've read horror stories about IUGR being missed, and the baby dying. I am so grateful that I received excellent medical care during my pregnancy, which allowed both me and the baby to be as healthy as possible, and for Sydney to arrive alive and thriving.

What a difference a scab makes...

2006-05-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

So, the cold sore scabbed over, and I was cleared to go in by the infection control nurse (named Polar Bear, as her office is covered with them). She suggested I wear a mask solely to remind myself not to kiss her or touch my face. As I leave her office to basically run to the NICU, I hear her calling them telling them I'm ok. So I get there. I am on cloud nine. I had been warned by my mom that there are several cranky nurses in there today. Thankfully Sydney's nurse was not one of them. Cranky Pants says I'm not allowed because I have to wear a mask. They are calling someone. I tell her that Janette cleared me, and the mask is to remind me to not touch my face. I'm sent to scrub. Another cranky pants says no masks. Vince was driving the car around the hospital as the infection control office is in the front and the NICU is in the back. I basically plead with them to not do this to me. I mean, I'm cleared to come in, let me in. Cranky pants #2 sends me to scrub. (You always scrub for 3 minutes before entering the NICU.)I'm done scrubbing and Vince arrives. I update him. He is not happy. I then finish scrubbing and gown up. I enter Sydney's area. The charge nurse is out. The nurse in charge again says no masks. I tell her to get Polar Bear on the phone, because the mask is solely to keep my hands off my face like a baby. She finally relents, and finds me a mask.

I then sit by my little girl's incubator. I'd had a disagreement with the social worker this morning, and was rewarded by Sydney's isolette being covered with 2 large signs on how she is low stimulus, and that we have to ask permission to touch her. NICE. I seriously hate that woman, and am going to call her supervisor and have her removed or decline social work help on Monday. She treats me like I am complete and utter idiot. Of course we need to be careful about stimulating Sydney. I've educated myself on this and support this wholeheartedly. HOWEVER, her doctors feel she can tolerate being held twice a shift. Neither Vince, my mom, or myself have ever fought having her put back in her box when she gets stressed. I don't understand why this woman feels she knows it all. After one run in with her, I nearly refused to hold Sydney because I was afraid of hurting her, and the doctor named nicknamed Dr. Hawk-eye basically put her in my arms. (The first time I met him, he was wearing a Hawaiian shirt.) We saw Dr. Golf today (so named because he looked like he was headed to the links after rounds.) He said nothing has changed, someone just felt the need to put up some signs. I can still touch and hold her.

So I sit there and just gaze at my little one. I'm still in shock I'm in there. I get to pump while we wait for feeding time. Her nurse was so nice, I am sad she was a temp nurse. The NICU is VERY full right now. She was wonderful. She let me wrap Sydney in a blanket made for her by a friend, and got me a pillow to help me keep her in a good position. It was heavenly holding her. I felt like a 20 pound weight is off my back. I held her for about 45 minutes. she then started to show stress signs, and we put her in the incubator. I rocked her and sang songs to her. Because she would always kick up a storm when I watched the movie, she was treated to various selections from the Sound of Music, as well as my favorite Beatles song, I will. I've always thought of this as a love song to a person you have not met yet and already know you love. When we were going through the infertility and the negative pregnancy tests, this song was one I would sing to my child who was not coming yet again.

Who knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to--I will.

For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.

Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart.

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
You know I will
I will.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, da, do, lala.

I tried to sing church hymns and children's songs to her, but I just started to choke up, so I stuck with secular songs today.

Sydney ate 5ccs of milk. The rest (20 ccs) was fed down her feeding tube. She threw up, and it came out of her mouth and nose. It really scared me, but the nurse said this is normal, as did the doctor. I was very jumpy and would get worried any time her alarms would go off. Vince, I guess, is much more used to these, and he kept calming me down. She went on a great sucking and swallowing run, but I had to interrupt her, because her sats were getting low. She is still working on learning the whole suck, swallow, and breathe thing. She had suck and swallow down today. Breathing will come too.
Sydney is 35 weeks gestation. Her weight is 2pounds 11 ounces, an increase! She is a week old tomorrow. It was so nice to see her. She kept looking at her daddy, but did respond to me too. She already has the makings of a daddy's girl. If it was not my daughter, I'd be getting jealous over the time he is spending with this new lady in his life. He is so wonderful with her. He seems so in awe of her, and talks so sweetly to her.

Last night Sydney had a temp nurse not familiar with the NICU. She usually works Peds. He was less than impressed. She seemed to think that even though her usual bath time is Midnight, he just wanted to feed her. He did not get to help with her bath, and was not happy. I basically had to drag him out of there at 2am, so he could drive home. I told him over the phone that she will be ok and that she needs her daddy alive, not dead because he fell asleep at the wheel. He wanted to stay to 3am for her bath. He did come home though, and cried because he did not want to leave her. It was nice to comfort and hold him. He has been so strong for me.

Anyway, unless I can convince him that it will be ok for me to drive tonight, no one will be there for her midnight bath until Sunday night. Vince has drill this weekend, and neither him nor my mom will leave me home alone. Drill starts early in the am, so he needs sleep. The plan is that I see her in the am, go to my moms, drive back in the pm see her, then go home and sleep. Tomorrow is the first time I can drive, so I don't want to overdo things. I wish bath time was at 9pm, but is it at midnight. Sunday I'll be there for her bath.

As for me, I overdid it yesterday. I was exhausted. Vince convinced me to get dressed by offering me lunch at Cracker Barrel, one of my favorite restaurants. We then went on base to get him a hair cut and buy a Dyson pet hair model vacuum. I've priced them in the past and they all seem to be the same price no matter where you go, so we bought it on base to save the sales tax. I was doing fine until we were checking out. I just wore out. We were leaving the store, and I sat on a picnic table to wait for him to get the car. I was in pain. A nice pregnant lady saw me having problems and waited with me while he got the car. She was so kind. I did not get her name, but she has my gratitude. When we got home, Vince went on a cleaning streak, and seems to be nesting.

Today, after the visit, I basically came home and collapsed in bed for an afternoon nap. Now that the stress has lifted somewhat, I feel so spent and tired. I just snuggled in my bed with my cat and slept until I had to pump.

Today "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon came on the oldies station. Besides making me cry, because it is a love song from a parent to their child, it seemed so appropriate for us and where we are right now. When I go tonight I'll sing it to her, changing it to Beautiful girl and putting her name into the song. Lines that are specifically appropriate are:

Every day in every way, it's getting better and better,...

I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll just have to be patient
Cause it's a long way to go, a hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go, but in the meantime, ...

Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

This is life and I am blessed to be a part of the journey. I'm finding inner strength I never knew I had, I feel our marriage and commitment to each other has deepened and strengthened, and I have a healthy baby who just need to grow and make normal developmental progress. I have grown closer to the Lord though this, and have felt His love and concern.

Sydney is born

2006-05-17T18:46:00.000-07:00

Sydney Jeanne was born on May 13, 2006 at 7:49 am. She was born via a planned c-section because she was not growing as she should have during her pregnancy. She weighed 2 pounds 13 ounces.

Our C-section went very fast. After Vince and I arrived at 5:45 am, things began hoping. I was placed in a labor and delivery room. My blood was drawn, thankfully at the same time they were putting in the IV. Vince was given blue scrubs to wear to the surgery. The nurse told me to take out my contacts, but my OB and the anesthesiologist said I could leave them in. I am grateful to that, for at least my visual recollections of the c-section are clear.

Pretty close to 7:30, I was wheeled around the corner to the c-section room. That room was rather cold. I complained about the cold. Vince stood next to me the entire time. He held my hands as they put the spinal anesthesia into my back. As I sat there for the spinal, I became very scared. It was very calming to be able to look into his brown eyes as he told me he loved me and helped me hold still. The spinal took effect rather quickly. I was laid down, because I could not move anything.

It was the weirdest feeling to be under the spinal. At one point I could tell my legs were in an uncomfortable and painful position, but I could do nothing about it. Up went a curtain. I started to throw up, but they gave me something to stop this. I could feel myself being moved around but never connected with the fact that my surgery had started. I guess I thought they were still cleaning my belly with betadine. All the sudden, my doctor announces it is baby time. I said that I did not even know they had started. Some people laughed.

Then out comes Sydeny. She is held over the curtain for me to see. All I could see was a blue and grey bottom covered by blood. I could see her little feet, and realized how small she really was. Sydney made one small cry, and was taken from the room.

Vince and I stared at each other. Information on how my baby was doing came rather sparse for my tastes. Sydney was born at 7:49 am. We learned she weighed 2 pounds 13 ounces, much less than predicted on the ultrasounds. We learned she was kicking and screaming as the team worked on her. Her apgars were 5 and 9. My OB showed Vince my uterus. It is heart shaped. She did not feel this had any bearing on the IUGR in the pregnancy, but noted it. She said my placenta, which we had thought was the problem, looked normal. It was sent for a pathology exam.

She sewed me up rather quickly, and it was over. Prior to this, I had expressed I felt I could not breathe, but she said as long as I was talking, I was ok, which is true. It felt weird, not painful. After the surgery, they lifted me to the bed to go back to my room. This was truly weird, as I could not feel anything below my ribs. I feel very sure I was going to fall. I was back in my room by 8:10.

I immediately wanted to know what was going on with Sydney. My mom helped me call the NICU and we learned she was OK and Vince could come back. She was on oxygen, but otherwise OK.

I was wheeled into the operating room a pregnant woman. I came out a mother. I was scared about what would happen with the baby, and what would happen with me. Just as the spinal took effect, I felt one last kick from Sydeny. I miss feeling her kick inside of me, and miss having her with me. I cared for her when she was inside of me, and now her care is being done by strangers.

To my daughter, on the day before her birth

2006-05-12T18:38:00.000-07:00

(I wrote this for Sydeny the day before she was born.)

Dear Sydney,
I have been privileged to have you inside of me for the past 34 weeks. We did not know you were coming, but nothing in the world has changed my life more. We were truly blessed when the Lord sent you to us. You were conceived in love, and join a mommy and a daddy who have waited for you for a long time. Your daddy and mommy love each other very much, and you are an extension of that love. We are so blessed to be your parents.

These last 34 weeks have not been easy on any of us. I can only imagine how hard you have had to fight to remain alive. I don't know why the placenta my body created for you formed poorly, but it did. I wish I could have protected you from this, but it was beyond my control. I have had the best medical care I could find during my pregnancy with you. I love you even though we have not met yet. I am so excited to see you. I cannot wait to hold and kiss you.

Somehow, I hope that you and I can have a good relationship as mother and daughter. I will try to not be overbearing and pushy, but I'll fail at times. I'm only human. Please forgive me as I overprotect you. I would love nothing more to be able to promise you that I will always know what to do and say, but I already know I won't. I will try to cut you some slack, please do so with me. You will likely hate me in about 13 years, but hopefully you will know you are loved fiercely by me.

I will love you no matter what. I want to teach you to love others and to be a positive addition to the world you live in. You are a very wanted and loved baby. You are being born into a family which is not perfect by any means, but is joined by love. That is a blessing beyond measure. You are also being born an American citizen. I pray you will never see war in your homeland. Our country is not perfect, but it is one of the best around. You will be able to vote, speak freely, and chose any career you want. You have the privilege of becoming as educated as your mind will allow. So many women in this world do not have that blessing. I will love you and expect you to fulfill your potential. If you need help, I'll help you every step of the way. If your potential comes in a non traditional for, because of disability or something else, I'll love you just as much as if you became president.

I wish I could give you a full 40 week pregnancy. I cannot. Your body is showing signs that you will do better in the world, not in my womb. Please forgive me as you are removed from my body tomorrow, 6 weeks early. I did my best to get you to this point, and have loved feel you move inside of me. I love you, and will be there for you every step of the way as you come into the world before you are ready. I am sad to know that after tomorrow morning, I will not feel you move inside of me again. I will miss holding you safely inside of me. Since we knew you were coming, I have had a little loved one with me at all times. It has been nice to not be alone. I wanted to be pregnant for so long, and feeling you inside of me has been a strong reminder of the Lord's love for us, and for how blessed I am to be your mom.Tomorrow we will meet for the first time in this life. I already love you beyond words. I am amazed at how much I can love someone I have not met. I wonder what you will look like and how I will care for someone so precious and small.We are not in for an easy couple of weeks. I will help you get through them. I love you.